Surrender

I didn’t start out this way. When I first learned that I was pregnant, I wanted to have a planned C-section, and I had no intention of breastfeeding. I can hardly believe it now. What changed? Everything—but not overnight. The transition from hard core independent woman to all-natural earth mother was slow, and not without pain. Resisting is always painful.

My first big shock was the nausea. I wasn’t prepared for how totally pregnancy could ruin my life. I had to drop out of the photography class I was enjoying. I had to stop working on my writing projects. All I could do was lie down and munch saltines and puke them up again. I was furious. I decided having a baby wasn’t worth the trouble after all, and wished I would miscarry. Then, in the middle of the night, I had a terrible cramp on my way to the bathroom. It was so sharp I fell to the floor and had to crawl across the rug. I thought for sure I was loosing my baby, and I was terrified. I repented, and I started bargaining with God to just let me keep her.

Clearly, I was confused. Even after the middle of the night incident, my mixed feelings persisted, until one day I was sitting in my car in front of a friend’s house on Alla Street. (Alla means God in Arabic) I had one foot out the door in case I needed to lean out and vomit, but the rest of me was too tired to get out of the car. It was fall. The trees were turning orange and the sky was an electric blue we only see in winter here. The surprising thing was, that I noticed it. Even though I felt miserable, I was awed at this small gift from God that could make me so happy. I cried and smiled and worried I might vomit but didn’t care if I did.

I realized that when I stopped fighting the nausea and submitted to feeling miserable, I was less miserable. I was finally able to see small moments of light and happiness everywhere around me. I began to let the child inside of me take a place in my thinking. To be real, and to bless my life.

What happened to me that day on Alla Street is that part of me died, so that another part of me could live. I sacrificed something, so that the mother in me could grow. In order for you to become a mother, some part of the old you has to go. Some women may feel her die peacefully in your sleep, others of you may have to kill her in an intense physical battle.

I guarantee it is worth it. Even if you struggle. But why struggle? I'm going to get a little preachy now and invite you to just surrender to the earth mother inside you. The old you wont be all gone, but part of her we be forever. Accept this. Try to help your partner accept this. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to have joy and revel in this spiritual journey.

Perhaps you’re reading this and you don’t think that it applies to you, but this invitation to surrender is important. Think about what you are resisting something else in your life. Maybe you have not forgiven yourself for something. Maybe you are resisting learning more about your options for birthing because you know you will then have to make an educated choice. Maybe you are resisting this pregnancy for what it can be, a spiritual journey.

I sometimes wonder why is this so difficult for us to surrender our will to God’s when we have so many evidences of it working out much better than our plans. My two year blog-iversary is coming up, and it reminds me of all my resistance to starting this blog. But God knew what he was doing, and only good things have come from it. If I hadn’t started this blog, this book would not be almost finished. I have also made amazing friends. It is interesting how the Lord’s promise about when two or more gather in his name, "I will be in their midst” applies to people gathering virtually as well.

I have to admit that surrendering gets easier with practice, perspective, and with support and love.

Thanks everyone for reading and sharing my blog for the last two years. We are very excited to announce the release date of the book very soon.

Xoxo,

Felice