Very Early Miscarriage

Another one of my collaborators is known around the blogosphere as Buscando La Luz, or Busca for short. She is a kindred spirit and a great writer. Her blog, Birth Faith is full of excellent information, well-thought out perpectives, and all delivered with kindness. The specific post I am pointing you to is Very Early Miscarriage. If you have ever had a late period and wondered if it was actually a miscarriage, you may find this post helpful, as I did. If you know you've had an early miscarriage and don't know where to turn for support, she has some great resources.

While you're there, make sure you check out her birth stories and some of Busca's other greatest hits (on the right side bar), such as Little Known Facts About Pitocin and Breastfed Baby Growth.

The Spiritual Significance of Birth

One of my collaborators is known in the blogosphere as Heatherlady, who writes the Women in the Scriptures Blog. Heather is a self-described scripture nerd and her knowledge of women in the scriptures is already proving so valuable to this book. Heather knows the ins and outs of every birth story in the scriptures as well as every midwife, every mother, and every prophetess. Her most recent post, The Importance of Birth is mind-blowingly awesome and a must read. I have linked to it rather than having her repost it here because there are many other valuable things on her site that you might enjoy once you're there. Heather also had two incredible and spiritual births, and I am so happy to have her insights in this book.

The (Family) Tree of Knowledge

When I was a few months into my pregnancy and feeling alone, I came across this quote by Harriet Lerner:

“We are never the first in our family to wrestle with a problem, although it may feel that way…. Learning how other family members have handled their problems similar to our own down through the generations, is one of the most effective routes to lowering reactivity and heightening self-clarity."

I thought, “Yeah right? Who does this happen to? No one else in my family has been abandoned three months into a planned pregnancy.” I kept reading.

“If we do not know about our own family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members, and how we might best proceed in our own life.”

Since I was already passionate about genealogy and family history, I decided to test out this idea and have a look at my family tree to see if there were any single mothers that I had overlooked, and what, if anything, I could learn from them. To my great surprise, there were more than a few, and the details of their stories left me dumbfounded. For the purpose of brevity, I will share only two here.

The first was Ellen (my great-grandmother). She was the second wife in a polygamous marriage, and lived for a time in the Mexican colonies (that’s why I feel Mexican inside). She had four daughters with her husband, but after the fourth, he accused her of cheating on him. He said that Violet was not his child. With this announcement, he left her, took his first wife and their children and moved back to the Unites States.

Life in Mexico at this time (early 1900’s) was tense. Pancho Villa, the revolutionary general in Chihuahua was suspicious of the white Mormon settlers. According to the colony’s history, he threatened to kill the white people if they did not leave. So Ellen and her four daughters, and the rest of their colony, fled Mexico with a few days’ notice--on foot. Ellen returned to the United States to her parent’s home in Cedar City, Utah, and lived with her family. Sometime later, she met her childhood sweetheart, married him, and had four sons—one of which is my grandfather.

If pioneer stories bore you, this story is much different. It is from my father’s side. My father was adopted by his step-father (I guess that means my grandmother was a single mom for a while, too), and I had been trying to track his real father’s line for some time. A few years before, I had already discovered the big surprise—I (with my natural blond hair and freckles) am of slave ancestry (that’s why I have always felt black inside). But I will save that story for another time and cut to the single mother: Marie Johns, my third-great-grandmother. I found her in an 1860 census that listed her as a single black woman living with her young daughter, listed as Mulatto, in a small town in Western Pennsylvania. Her occupation was “washer woman” and she was listed as owning property.

If your hair isn’t already blown back, I’ll explain. Maria was born in Virginia, so she was almost certainly born into slavery. Her child was mulatto, and she was never married, so I can only speculate about what master impregnated her and whether or not she was willing. How she escaped or earned her freedom is also speculation. What I do know is that 1860 was pre-emancipation proclamation, and it was rare even for white women to own property in 1860.

What this tells me about Maria Johns, is that she was a force.

I found a few clues and rumors that Marie was a Quaker, which I believe, because the Quakers were in that part of Pennsylvania, and were the only group that would be accepting enough to embrace a black woman into their community and let her own property.

After learning these stories about my ancestors, I felt much less alone. I felt connected to these powerful women and inspired by them. I looked to what both of them (and others I found) did in their time of trial and saw that those who turned to their family and their faith were the most successful. I knew I would be wise to do the same.

By meditating on these and other strong women in my life stream, I felt them draw nearer to me. They would help me and lift me up. When my daughter was born, I felt them all surrounding me—my mother, my grandmother, Ellen, Maria and many more I didn’t even know, but who knew me and knew my daughter.

This was just the beginning of my journey with my ancestors. Since then, with each major struggle in my life, I consult my family history to see what I can learn. The results continue to amaze and humble me.

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Collaboration

The process of writing this book has been an interesting journey. It all began more than 3 years ago when I was lying in my final resting pose in prenatal yoga class and I knew that I needed to write a spiritual birthing book for LDS women. Beyond that, I didn't know much. For the next couple of years I read as many birth books that I could find that fell under the category of "spiritual" (these were from many different faiths). I also wrote a book proposal and started writing sample chapters. I worked on it in occasional spurts, but it was largely on the back burner until this summer, when I couldn't turn off the spigot of inspiration. Since then, I have been led and directed at every turn. This fall, I felt that I needed to collaborate with other women who had different strengths that me and was immediately, upon acknowledging this inspiration (and letting go of my ego, pesky thing that sometimes wants to control things), I was led to who, and eventually, to how (logistics). I'll write more about this later, I'm sure.

There are currently five other women who are contributing to this book. Some of them are bloggers and I have linked to their blogs, but I have also asked them to contribute guest posts, because their spiritual insights are totally unique and different than mine. I am so excited to "introduce" them, and to share their wisdom with you. So, in the next few days and weeks, look forward to some awesome posts.

A Request for "Other" Stories

A few weeks ago I had the inspiration that there needed to be a "Healing After Miscarriage and Other Loss" chapter in this book. That a woman goes through psychological and spiritual upheavals (and hopefully, eventually, growth) after a miscarriage seems like a no-brainer. Why didn't I think of it before? I am so grateful to those who have sent me their stories on this deeply personal topic. For the last week, however, my thoughts keep returning to the other stories--specifically, healing after abortion and sexual abuse.

Abortion is a sensitive topic everywhere, and so I hope to treat it sensitively in this book, but also not ignore it. Since the beginning, our faith has strongly affirmed the sanctity of life, and I also affirm it. The fact is, however, women who may read this have had abortions--either before they joined the church, during periods of inactivity, or for other reasons. My own mother had to have one when she found out she had an advanced stage of cancer. Heartbreaking--and even more so because of the taboo around talking about it.

I'm sure that being pregnant again after an abortion, even if it was years ago, can trigger all kinds of difficult emotions that you may have thought were behind you. I feel very strongly that there are more than a handful of women who need to read about what another woman went through and how she ultimately healed, emotionally and spiritually. If you have a story you are willing to share, I can make it anonymous, and I will be totally confidential. Someone else out there needs to know that they are not alone.

Sexual abuse is another heavy topic, but it affects birth in so many ways, because the sex organs that are the primary focus. Women who have had sexual trauma in their past may also find birth traumatic, or on the contrary, they may find it empowering and healing. What I'd like to focus on in this book is healing. I am looking for women willing to share their stories of how pregnancy and birth healed them from the scars of sexual abuse. I can also make your stories anonymous. I know it is difficult to write about these things, but writing (and then publishing) is also away of letting go.

Please let me know if you have a story and are willing to share it. If you need support writing it, or would prefer to tell it on the phone and have me write it, we can do that, too.

Tree of Life Images

Since reading about the Heavenly Mother, I have been obsessed with Tree of Life images. If you do an image search, it's a deluge. The Tree of Life is an important symbol in many religious traditions. Here are some of my favorite images. I have tried to give credit where credit is due.

Found at absoluteartuk

By Susan "Esther"


David Freidman





i wish i knew who took this. I want to go here.

This photo is by David rose. The tree is made of old weapons.


unknown



by Gustav Klimt


unknown artist


Found this one as majorlycool.com

The Babymoon

Traditionally, a honeymoon is a time when a newly married couple—a new family unit—remove themselves from their everyday world, relax, and bond physically and emotionally.

The babymoon, though less in practice, has a similar function. It is a seclusion, a removal from the world, and a time for a new family unit to bond. A child’s first 40 days in this world are very important. When I worked on the sheep ranch, I learned how important immediate secluded bonding time was for the sheep. If the mother’s didn’t get it, they were more likely to abandon or be inattentive to their lamb(s).

But what exactly is a babymoon and why is it important that it last 40 days?

As far as I can find, the term babymoon was first coined in 1996 by Sheila Kitzinger in her book The Year After Childbirth, but the concept has been around in different forms for eons. In the last few years, the travel industry has tried to change the meaning to: a trip one takes as a last hurrah before the baby comes. Don’t be confused. Traveling is not part of this kind of babymoon.

Probably the most well known reference to the 40 day postpartum babymoon is the 40 days of purification that Mary observed, as part of the Law of Moses, after giving birth to Jesus.

When it comes to the Law of Moses, I don’t usually think too much about the what and why because we don’t have to live it anymore—but this is interesting for many reasons. Heather has some great insights on this and why Mary needed to make a sin offering after giving birth (by bringing life she also brought death), but what I want to focus on is the idea of purification. When I looked up purification, it was synonymous with Sanctification and Hallow. When many of us think of purification today, we think of taking something dirty and making it clean—like tap water. But sanctification is the process of taking something ordinary and making it holy, hallowing it.

As we know, Jesus fulfilled the Law of Moses. His Atonement made a sin offering no longer necessary. But the 40-day postpartum period is still uniquely bracketed in time because we bleed for 40 days after having a baby. So even though we don’t live the Law of Moses anymore, what is the significance of these 40 days?

40-day time periods occur in the scriptures many times. Here are just a few of the things that happen in 40 day periods:

• The Flood – Rained for 40 days and nights (Gen 7)
  
• Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days (Matt 4)
  
• Jesus taught his disciples for 40 days after his resurrection (Acts 1)
  
• Jonah gave Nineveh 40 days to repent (Jonah 3)
  
• Moses was on the mountain 40 days (Duet 9)
  
• The spies were in Canaan for 40 days (Numb 13-14)
  

What I found about the 40-day period in all of these references was that they were a period of purification/sanctification, and also a preparation and transition from one mission or role to to another. For example, Jesus fasted for 40 days right before He begins his ministry. It is also symbolic that He is led by the spirit into the wilderness to fast--separating himself from the world. Then, at the end of His ministry, after His resurrection, he spends 40 days to prepare his apostles for when he will leave them. This also happens done away from the world.

Of course, 40 years is also a recurring theme in the scriptures and if you are wondering if there is a connection, there is. 40 years is also a purification and denotes a generation. In Numbers 14:34, God speaks directly of a connection when he says that 40 days (that the spies were in Canaan) symbolized 40 years (that Israel would wander in the wilderness).

Using days to symbolize larger units of time is interesting when you consider that normal pregnancy is about 40 weeks, and there are 40 days of bleeding afterward. I don't believe this is arbitrary. God is a master. And while bleeding for 40 days isn’t my favorite thing, I am convinced it is a blessing. It is a reminder, and a reason (excuse), to stay home, remove yourself from the world, bond and get to know your baby (and your spouse as a father) so that you can go forth into your new role with confidence and preparation.

So, how does one observe a babymoon? That is something individual, but I believe it is much like Sabbath observation. During my 40-day babymoon I didn’t work, didn’t go to any stores or events. (I bought everything online or sent willing friends and relatives who came to stay). I didn’t cook much (thanks R.S. sisters!). I didn’t even drive my car because dealing with a car seat and traffic was too much of the world for me. I took walks, lots of baths, had my favorite people over for short or long visits, figured out nursing, napped, read my scriptures and some good literary fiction while my little Bunny napped on my chest. I also kept the lights low and played soothing music. It was a veritable love nest.

I was very lucky to find the perfect pediatrician only 2 blocks away so we walked to her check up. I even got my hair dresser and my therapist to come to my house. (If you tell people it is your spiritual practice to observe 40 days at home they are surprisingly awesome about helping out).

I should mention that I also did not go to church for 40 days. For those who have never missed a Sunday, you can feel better knowing that Mary didn’t go to the sanctuary for 40 days either. While I believe that the sacrament is an essential part of the sanctification process, I also knew the reality of my situation. My daughter was awaited with as much anticipation as any celebrity baby, and I knew it would be too much for both of us. I also didn’t want any little kids breathing on her (things change when you have two, I know). In retrospect, I should have asked to have the sacrament brought to me, but I still had a hard time asking things of the priesthood—and none of them have figured out how to read minds like the sisters can. Next time I will.

I can’t express you how fast the 40 days passed. It was just the right amount of time, but I was so sad when it was over. When I got into the car to go to my 6-week check up and then to the grocery store, I felt the world closing in and sweeping us into a fast current that will only take us farther and farther from that place. I am so glad I took the opportunity, though. I healed quickly, and felt prepared when I did jump back in to the world with a baby.

I haven’t found any official surveys, so I’d like to conduct an unofficial one. Did you observe 40 days at home? How did you observe it? What was it like for you?