What I Want For My Birthday - Marie Osmond

It's my birthday again. Holy Cow! I've had three birthdays on this blog. I can't believe it. This year, for my birthday, (and Christmas) all I want is for someone to give me a warm introduction to Marie Osmond because I'd like her to blurb our book. We have several big names blurbing the book, all from from different fields including birth activists, theologians, writers, and entertainers. But ever since I read Marie's book Behind the Smile: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression, I realized here was a gal who cared about women and the sacredness of the birth process. And she's a well loved Mormon, loved by all faiths. She just needs to know about the book.

So far my only connection with her is that I know her first ex-husband's sister. It's not a connection I really want to use. I tried contacting her manager a few years ago but they said she didn't have time to read a book. Hmph. I don't think they even asked her. Because if she knew it was THIS BOOK, I think she'd be honored. So if you know her, or have a solid connection with her, help me out!

I'm not asking for a face to face introduction. I'm not a crazy fan. I just want a way to get her a copy of the book before it comes out so she can read it and perhaps write an sentence or two about its awesomeness.You could even forward her this blog address or our main web address: www.thegiftofgivinglife.com


Also, as a second birthday wish, I'm still hoping for a Christmas miracle. That is, that we get the book out before Christmas and not Valentines day. A lot depends on our publisher's workload in getting it all edited and laid out in time. As you know, things come up. Things take longer. People's kids get broken legs. People go on maternity leave. But I am ever the optimist. So will you all join me in praying for a Christmas miracle. Thanks!

If you know Marie, email me privately and I'll send you a one page sell sheet to send to her to see if she will consider it. Thanks!

My Introduction: Treasuring Life

Dear TGOGL Blog Readers,

Hello! Hello!  I get to be the first to introduce myself.  My name is Robyn Allgood. I promised Felice I would try not to be too nerdy. Ha! Actually, Felice told me I could be as nerdy as I want.  And I really am just a BIG NERD!

So how did I come upon this project?  A little over a year ago I sat pregnant with my fifth baby.  I was discussing with my sister and mother pregnancy and birth.  I told them that birth had taught me a lot about the Atonement and the Savior.  My sister said, “oh really, explain that to me.” I tried to put it into words but found myself unable to articulate what I meant.

Being the birth junkie that I am I was annoyed with myself for not having the ability to explain how personal the Savior became to me as I gave life to my little ones.  So I grabbed a notebook and my scriptures and started writing.  My first draft of “Birth in Remembrance of Him” was 5 pages but soon became many more. (Don’t worry we are editing it so that it is easier to digest.)  

I admit to being afraid to share it and afraid to not share it.  I had poured my heart out in those pages and I was nervous of having it criticized.  At the same time I wanted other women to benefit from what I felt the Lord inspired me to write.  I knew He gave me the words and that He meant for them to be shared.  I saw the call for essays on this blog and decided to ignore my fears and send it in anyway.  I’m glad I did.  Felice invited me to join the group and write more. 

As I have witnessed the “offering” that each woman (and her family) has made to bring about this project I am humbled.  The women I have come to know via the internet are “wonderfully and fearfully made”(Psalms 139:14).  I think you will laugh, cry, and change as you read from the pages of this book. I know I have.

What else should you know about me?

If someone would have told me I would be a birth junkie someday I would have laughed.  I had some serious fears about birth (and anything involving blood for that matter).  My first baby was born by cesarean which taught me a lot.  I was scared to death to have another baby after that but I knew I was supposed to have more children so I started to devour birth books. 

I was convinced I needed to take a comprehensive childbirth class when I was pregnant with baby #2.  Options were limited in my community so we traveled 5 hours round trip each weekend to attend Bradley® classes.  I know it sounds crazy but the Spirit urged me there and luckily my husband was supportive.  We were blessed with an unplanned unassisted birth (90 min labor).  That birth changed our family forever.  I have since had 3 more beautiful VBAC births. 

I have been teaching Husband-Coached Childbirth® classes and attending births as a doula for the last 7 years.  Last year I helped start the first ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) chapter in Idaho and now we have a 3^rd chapter in the works!  I am also a part of a group called DOVE-Idaho (Doulas of the Valleys of Easter Idaho).  We provide free monthly childbirth classes to the community along with other support and information.

Being a part of this project has enabled me to combine my passion for birth with the things in life I treasure most: my love of the Gospel, my testimony of the Savior, and my family.  One of my favorite scriptures reads, 

“for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” -Matt. 6:21  

Part of my “treasure” is waiting for me in heaven.  His name is Kyle (my first VBAC).  He passed away when he was only 2 years old.  Missing his physical presence motivates me to do whatever I can to have an eternal family.  The Gift of Giving Life is about treasuring life. What greater treasure is there than to take part in such a divine gift?  My hope is that you will be inspired as this book takes life.

What I Learned This Summer

I can't believe this summer is almost over. I can't believe this summer is almost over. I can't believe....

At the end of May I was praying about some career and financial stresses. I was very blessed to not have to work (except by choice) the first two years of Phoebe's life. But to make a very long story short I have a litigious ex husband who took me to court every three months since she was born until I had nothing left and working became a necessity. Don't get me wrong. I love working. Okay, occasionally I fantasize about having the time to make little decorative labels for all my pantry items. But really, I love what I do. But his choices and sometimes other factors still contribute to stress for us. Sometimes minor, sometimes monster.

I remember praying fervently about this one morning this spring and heard these words in my mind, "seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." (3 Ne 13:33). I thought, Well, duh. I do seek the kingdom of God. It is my underlying driving force. When am I not seeking it? Then I realized that when I am stressing out, I am not seeking the kingdom of God. The words ran through my mind again, this time with italics: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."

Ahhhh. I realized that some days it wasn't till the end of a day stressing about x, y, or z that I sat down to read my scriptures. So I decided to make it my absolute first priority every day to read my scriptures and meditate (well, maybe sometimes I brush my teeth first). This one small change brought such an immediate difference into my life. The peace I felt brought me so much calm and confidence.

My situation didn't change right away. In fact. It got worse. All my clients canceled that week and my speaking engagement canceled, too. I thought about this and wondered if this was God's way of showing me that my efforts were nothing. Was He going to come out of nowhere and show me that He could work miracles? I wasn't sure, but I continued reading first thing in the morning and I still felt peace.

Then things got even worse.

"It's either gas or spark. You got no spark." That's because he's married. Oh wait, you mean my car...

Yet, even when my car died on the freeway on the way to a Memorial Day Barbeque, I didn't worry. I was just curious to see what would happen, and then I saw blessings everywhere. For one, the Freeway Safety Patrol towed me to a Park N Ride lot for free. 15 minutes later and the FSP would have been closed and I would have had to call a $ tow truck. I happened to break down near the city where some friends live, and they had an extra car that they lent me for a week. Also, the FSP guy told me what was wrong with my car. So I didn't have to wonder what it would cost me to fix it.

I felt so much gratitude and peace.The next day on the way to the zoo with Phoebe, in my borrowed car, I was pondering what do. I love my car, but its end-of-life issues had cost me that month. I had just put a new axle in it the week before. As I was driving I had the strangest idea pop into my head. Maybe I should not put Phoebe in preschool during the summer. What? I wasn't sure whose idea that was. Sure, I would save on preschool tuition, but what about work? How would I get all my work done and pay the bills?

It seemed illogical. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn't counter intuitive. Often the revelation I receive from God is this way. Counter logical from my brain perspective--but not counter-intuitive. So I decided to just do it and try to get all my work done on the days she goes to her dad's house, and when she's home we would just play and go to the beach and the pool or draw on the side walk with chalk and all the things that moms who stay home with their kids all day probably get to do.

Preschool Graduation. Cutest thing ever?

It was such an interesting thing to make this decision knowing that I had no clue how is going to work. But I did it anyway. I took some things off my plate and turned down any new responsibilities, and the day after Pre-school graduation we went to the beach all day. Then we did the same thing the next day and the next. Then I worked for a few days.

First day of summer. That's me throwing water.

A few days ago. They are very tan now.

 That first month was interesting. I noticed that I had a lot more energy. I figured out it was because I wasn't splitting my focus. Often, in the past, when I was working I was thinking about what I had to do with/for Phoebe and when I was with Phoebe I was trying to sneak off and send an email or do a bit of work. While I recognized at the time that this was not ideal, I didn't realize how tired it had been making me.




Ultimately, I have felt more peaceful and had more abundance this summer than when I was working a lot more earlier this year. And the abundance has come in more ways than I can articulate. I am grateful for the lessons that God taught me through this--the primary lesson being that it is He who provides. I am grateful that I got to learn this lesson while getting a tan and eating watermelon and being totally in the moment with my daughter. I look forward to more of these lessons.

Me and Phoebes at Venice Beach right before I taught her to body surf.

Lessons From the Bonsai - Finally

Japanese Elm bonsai tree.

In February there were 3 babies due in our little collaborator group--so we did a virtual mother shower/ blessingway for each of them and sent our love and wishes for their birth along with some beads and a little bonsai tree suited to their climate. Above is a picture of Busca's tree.

In doing the research for the trees I became obsessed with bonsais, so I had to get one for myself, too. Mine is the same as the one above, a Japanese Elm.

As soon as I unpacked it and started to care for it and nurture it, I wondered what the lesson was. I knew there was something this tree was going to teach me that I would one day write about. But everything about bonsai trees seemed to be backward. Rather than letting it grow big, I was keeping it small--which is the opposite of what we should do with our children and not really possible with them anyway. Other metaphors fell just as awkwardly.

So I gave up on finding meaning and just found joy in the little tree and learned a little about pruning from my friend's husband who I learned is a closeted bonsai master. Pruning is tricky. It's all about trying to mimic nature--but perfection in nature. Fat trunks are desirable, and little cloud-like tufts of leaves with a tapering toward the top are also desirable. Shaping bonsais takes years and years of practice and patience. Whenever I prune my bonsai, I go into trance because it is totally meditative--you have to have a vision.

You can keep your bonsai under a foot tall forever, or you can let them grow larger but still keep their miniature look. If you want them to grow, you have to re-pot them every few years in a larger pot, let them grow wild for a bit, then prune the heck out of them. You do this over and over till you get the shape you want. Some people wire or tie branches to achieve a certain shape or windswept look. Here are some pictures and examples:

This is a bonsai (Ficus Retusa) after a hard prune.

This is a mature ficus retusa--probably at least 25 years old. Although I'm betting this one is closer to 100--probably owned by some Japanese bonsai master who has spent his whole life shaping it.

Here is a picture of some wiring on a Azalia bonsai that is just beginning to bloom.

Here's a smallish azalea bonsai in bloom.

Here's a large azalea bonsai. If you look closely you can see the wires on this one.

I'm not sure what this one is, but it is gorgeous.

This tree is about 25 years old. Mature trees like these can sell for thousands of dollars. Some as much as $25,000.

This is an award winning 75-year old Bonsai (Gmelina histrix).

It was a long time in coming, but I think I finally got my inspiration from the bonsai tree. The other morning I was lying in bed and some words came into my mind so powerfully that I knew I needed to write them down. They were: "restriction is training." I had no idea what that meant, but as I lay there in that early morning hypnotic state where connections and free association happen easily, thoughts of my bonsai tree came to me. Restrictions placed on a bonsai train it to grow in a certain direction. A bonsai master places restrictions on the bonsai in order to shape it into an amazing thing of beauty. It takes patience and practice, and sometimes after a hard prune doesn't look like much, but it is well worth it in the end.

The metaphor seems so obvious to me now, but it was a huge epiphany in the moment, when I was feeling annoyed about some restrictions in my life. It is clever how God saved or withheld this teaching moment from me till I needed it most. Also, is saw the metaphor as hugely applicable to parenting. It is our job to train up these little prophets and prophetesses, (with God's help), and sometimes we need to restrict and train them--while at the same time, God is training us. I hope that my little tree, which gives me so much joy, will always remind me of this. And one day, when I die at a ripe old age I hope one of my posterity will take over the care of my bonsai(s)--because by then I will surely have a dozen or more.

Picture Your Cervix as a Turtleneck Sweater

When I did my pregnancy yoga teacher's training, one of the teachers told us, "sometimes, you only get one shot at them." Meaning, sometimes they only come to your class once and you never see them again. But you never know what you are going to say or do that might effect their birth. It was a lesson to listen to those intuitive hits we get.

Well here's my best one shot wonder story yet. I teach pregnancy yoga once a week at the YMCA. The boot camp teacher, who was pregnant, who has never been able to make it to my class, came up to me one day in mild alarm. Her first birth was a C-section and she really wanted a VBAC.

"I'm getting nervous about the birth," she said. "Can you hypnotize me right now to feel no pain?"

"Well, I teach class in 5 minutes...."

"Come on. Can't you just zap me."

"You'll be fine." (Reassuring tones) "Just picture your cervix as a turtleneck sweater. It looks like it will never fit over your child's head, but it does. It stretches easily and effortlessly."

"Ha. A turtleneck sweater. Hey that's a good one..."

A few months later, she shows up back at work with a little baby and tells me that the turtleneck sweater metaphor is what got her through pushing. I had totally forgotten by then.

She said, her husband, an anesthesiology resident, would like to thank me.

You are very welcome.

Birth Story from Sara Bobo

This birth story is from Sara Bobo. Though Sara had a scare, she still had a truly spiritual birth experience. Thanks for sharing your stories.

I have had three children and three very different birth experiences. All were spiritual experiences. Two included epidural.

I would like to share the story of the birth of my second child.
During a very difficult pregnancy, my water broke at 33 weeks. I did not know what to expect with a 33 weeker. All I knew was that our goal was to get to at least 34 weeks and we weren't there yet. I was scared of the unknown and what might happen to my baby.

I headed to the hospital. My water broke at noon, I arrived at the hospital at about 130pm. I was soaked in amniotic fluid but the nurses didn't believe at first that my water had broken. They tested it and, as I knew, without a doubt, my membranes had ruptured. I thought for sure that the baby would have to be delivered in the next 24 hours as I had always been told that's what had to happen once someones water had broken. I found out that in the case of a preemie they will keep you on hospital bedrest up to 34 weeks if there were no signs of stress to the baby or infection.

When my water broke I was not in active labor but I was dilated 3 cms and 80% effaced. When my doctor came to see me at about 5:30 pm, he decided to give me a blood pressure lowering medication to keep me from going into labor. I received the medication at about 6pm. About half an hour after I received the medication I went into active labor and was in horrible pain and bleeding terribly. It was decided that if the first dose of meds did not work there was probably a reason why my water broke and why my baby was trying to come at that time.

As I went into active labor, we knew something was very wrong. The heavy bleeding and constant pain, and not just pain with contractions, was very concerning. It was decided that I likely had a partial placental abruption. I had really wanted to avoid an epidural. I was pushed into one with my first child and was not happy with the experience. I was very scared for my health and the health of my baby at that time though.

The decision to have an epidural did not come lightly or easily. My husband knew that I really wanted to avoid an epidural and was very supportive. I was in constant pain and then each contraction made the pain worse. I couldn't focus, I couldn't just concentrate on one contraction at a time because the pain was constant. I was not allowed to move around because my baby's heart rate kept dropping, not just with contractions, but randomly. My baby was obviously in distress. If I moved around, we could not keep the monitor on my baby I asked the nurse if it would be better for me to get the epidural so I could sit still. Her answer surprised me, in a good way. She told me that she was not going to tell me to get an epidural no matter what. I had made it clear that I did not want an epidural and I was never offered one. I asked for an epidural after being in so much pain. The nurse knew that I really didn't want one so she left my husband and I to figure out what I really wanted and needed. I felt desperate at that time. I did not want to make the decision feeling desperate. I prayed and prayed to know the right thing to do. I was afraid that my baby or I may not be ok. After a short time I felt at peace and knew that no matter what, everything would end up ok. It was an overwhelming peaceful feeling. It was the Spirit of the Lord comforting me in a time of fear and pain. I also felt very strongly that it was not right or wrong for me to get the epidural, I just felt that it was up to me to make that decision and I was be protected in whatever decision I made.

My decision was to get the epidural. I got the epidural and had small amount of relief for about 10-15 minutes when my blood pressure crashed. I remember it getting down to 40/28 and then after that, I don't remember anything. I know that my blood pressure was not registering on the machine at one point and the crash cart was ready to go. They gave me epinephrine and stopped the epidural and fortunately, that did the trick and I was ok. The nurses were rushing around and the anesthesiologist was in there when I came around. I could tell that everyone had been scared about what was happening but were trying not to show it. The combination of the blood pressure medication, losing so much blood, having an epidural and laying on my back, was a very bad one.

I had not been checked since right about the time I went into active labor and when I came to, I felt a ton of pressure and really felt like I needed to push. The nurse checked me and was amazed to find that about an hour and a half since the last time she checked, I had gone from still being 3 cms dilated to complete.

At that point they called my doctor. While we were waiting for him to get to the hospital, I was moved to the Operating Room. I was moved to the OR because it was connected to the NICU and my baby was exactly 7 weeks early.

By the time my doctor arrived the epidural had completely worn off and I really needed to push! He ran in ready to deliver my sweet little baby. Two pushes later my precious little girl, Taylor Ailine was born. She was 4 lbs 9 oz and screamed and screamed upon her arrival into this world! I cannot even explain the love I felt for her and the relief I felt. The gratitude to my Heavenly Father at that time was also more than I can explain. I know He helped me and my daughter through a very scary experience.

When Taylor was born, the placental abruption was confirmed. My placenta was also very worn and wouldn't have supported a baby for much longer. I know that it was not a coincidence that my water broke and my baby came just 8 hours later and a little less than two hours after active labor started. Heavenly Father was looking out for us through it all.

The doctor's believe it was a good thing that I decided to go with the epidural because it likely helped me to progress more quickly. This was important as my daughter was under a lot of stress the entire time. She needed to come quickly. I am sure that for whatever reason things went so quickly, the Lord's hand was guiding the process. I very literally felt Him there with me constantly, from the time my water broke until she came home from the hospital three weeks later. I felt his love and guidance through the entire journey and I know that I would not have been able to get through it all without the peace and strength I felt from Him.

Birth Story - Prayer and the Lord's Tender Mercies

This story was sent to us by Shelene Westover. I grew up with Shelene when she had a different last name and so I was surprised to hear from her. It's strange how people you knew way back when aren't allowed to age in your mind. I still thought of her as much younger than me. Then I read her story and I realized just how much we all go through in the process of "growing up." It breaks my heart for all the little ones. And yet. They chose it. We chose it. Shelene's story is a good example of where we can turn for peace.

When my husband first started having health difficulties, I was four months pregnant with our second child. At the time, it all seemed to happen so slowly, but in retrospect, it really flew past us. Before we knew it, we learned we were expecting a boy and then learned that my husband was in need of a bone marrow transplant. We felt confident and positive throughout the process and even up until the day he died, we were optimistic. Now I look back and see that may have actually been denial. I suddenly found myself a single mother of a 21 month old daughter and a soon to be born son. Never before had my prayers been so sincere as they were that summer. I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father would take a good, hard working father from a happy family, and I can't say that I understand now either. However, through this I knew that I needed my Heavenly Father more than anything and he was the only comforter I could find solace with now. People were so kind and loving, but the only one who could bring me comfort was the Lord. I knew where I could turn for peace and He was always there. It was in these trying times that I was humbled and blessed by my Heavenly Father.

I was given so much advice from caring people, but also, people who had no idea what I was going through. One person gave me a book about a woman who was in a similar situation as I was. In this woman's book, she recounted several experiences where she saw and even had conversations with her late husband. This gave me hope, and I kept waiting for my turn to have an experience like hers. I never did have an experiences like hers, but I did have an experience that my Heavenly Father knew was what I needed. In the last moments of labor and pushing, I suddenly came to a realization that my late husband was there, I could feel his hand on my arm, and I could feel his presence in the room. I knew if I turned my head to look, I wouldn't see him, but I didn't need to see him. I could feel him, and that was good enough for me. In that bittersweet time of my life, my Heavenly Father blessed me.

On Feeling Like You Come Second

Tickle Tickle - 079, originally uploaded by RoxandaBear.

Everyone has heard of the husband who gets jealous of the new baby. It is almost a cliche. The baby is getting all the attention and he feels like he has lost his wife forever. I don't love gender specific cliches because they are almost always not gender specific and can be found on both sides of the spectrum.

I have seen it happen with fathers who transfer all their love to the child, and the wife feels left out in the cold. This is more common among ethnic fathers, because some cultures (e.g. Italian, Hispanic, Greek, Egyptian, etc.) traditionally put the kids first, but it can also happen with non-ethnic fathers. For example, if a new mother has postpartum depression, a well-meaning father may feel rejected and transfer all his love into the child, who is easy to please and gives love back freely--especially if you give them treats.

Either way it happens, it is a huge problem if it lasts for very long. When the child always comes first and one spouse feels rejected for long enough, the marriage will suffer. This dynamic could lead one partner to find comfort in another man or woman, in an addiction, in a fictional video game life, or any number of other destructive forms of comfort.

When the marriage suffers, the children suffer. No matter how much you do to make them happy, what children need is an intact, happy family. Recently I witnessed something like this first hand and it made me very sad, so I had to write about it.

Doctrinally, we are taught that the marriage relationship comes first. Of course, newborns need a lot of care and attention and your marriage will change during that first year after each child. But despite how tired you are or how much else is on your plate (moms and dads) you can't stop nurturing your marriage. Just because you see no negative warning signs doesn't mean that there isn't trouble. One party usually is oblivious when things are stewing. So don't let them get stewing. Keep going on dates, keep giving back rubs. Keep having sex. And communicate. Too many people don't know how to constructively communicate and they seek marriage counseling when it is too late. A good marriage counselor or relationship coach has tools that can help you--a lot--but not if you get them too late. If you can't afford a counselor, there are number of good books on communication and on making marriage work.

In our book we have a whole chapter on unity and a section in nurturing marriage. This section is filled mostly with information from general authorities, and lots of great input from real couples. I may post a cliff notes version of that chapter on the blog soon, because I think everyone could benefit from it. But I would love more input and comments that might add to it.

What did you do to nurture your marriage during pregnancy? What were some problem areas you didn't expect? How did you deal with them? How did you enhance communication? How did you work out division of labor issues? How did having a joint spiritual path help you? If you had any advice to share, what would it be? If you had an warnings, what would they be? What were you most grateful for during that time?

Breastfeeding Struggles

I will say no more than to just publish this beautiful story as it was submitted to us by Julie Mills.

To start I have always struggled with nursing my children (we have 5). However, nursing has always been very important to me. So when my daughter was born (she’s our 4th) it was no surprise to have some struggles in the hospital. It was typical so I didn’t think that much about. By the time we got home it was getting harder and harder and more painful. I began to see why it was getting worse. My first three kids are boys and now we had this little girl. Well, her mouth was much smaller than her brothers had been. Her mouth was too small to be able to latch on properly. This is because I am (unfortunately) very large busted and so she just simply couldn’t do it. By the time I finally figured this out, I was in tons of pain every time she tried nursing. My face would just run with tears. She and I were both upset and struggling. I began bleeding every time and when she would let go, she would have blood around her mouth and that of course just made me cry more and feel like I was failing her.

We went to see the doctor because we were afraid I was going to develop mastitis. The doctor let me know that I was fine. He then told me that it’s no big deal not to nurse and that I should just give up and not worry about it. Well that wasn’t going to work for me. I got a really good pump and began pumping for her. I pumped and pumped and pumped. I pumped everything she ate. I kept a log of how much milk I pumped, what she ate and how much I had in reserve. I also had a system to make sure the milk was being rotated properly.

My family and I prayed and prayed that Elise would be able to nurse. After a couple of weeks and then months, I pretty much gave up on that idea and just accepted the fact that she wasn’t going to. I would try from time to time to get her to nurse, but she didn’t like it. It would just make her mad. My oldest son Jake (he was 5 ½ at the time) was not willing to give up. He continued to pray. He was very faithful about praying for us everyday.

There were some blessings I gained from pumping. My husband David was able to help feed his little girl. He really enjoyed taking part in this. The boys also enjoyed in helping out their new little sister. I think it helped them realize how special she was. They are so close to her and absolutely adore her! She really, really looks up to them a lot. Also it forced me to be more organized. Pumping to that degree takes a lot a time and so I needed to be very careful with my time. Plus my milk supply is very sensitive. If I missed a pumping or was more than 15-20 minutes off my schedule, I could see the effects of it the next day. So this experience really taught me several things.

Then one day when Elise was about 4 ½ months old, David asked me if I had tried nursing her lately. I said no, because I had just accepted that I was going to pump and that nursing wasn’t going work. Now, like I said, Jake would not give up on praying for us. He was very diligent. David encouraged me to go ahead and try one more time. So I did… and she took right to it!!! I couldn’t believe it. My little girl was 4 ½ months old and started nursing. To us it was a miracle and a true answer to prayer! I am so incredibly grateful that Jake never gave up! After that, she and I had no more struggles with nursing. But I did have one other problem… I had 432 ounces of breast milk stocked up in my freezer!

The Opposite of Anxiety

So shall we jump in there and dig more?, originally uploaded by AlicetheBrit.

I once heard a hypnotherapy teacher say that the opposite of anxiety was options. It made sense at first--options are always good. It's very empowering to know and understand your options, especially as you go into your pregnancy and birth journey. However, recently I have been thinking a lot about this, and I think it is important to differentiate between having options, and keeping your options open. It is my belief, the once you've considered your options and made a choice, the opposite of anxiety is actually commitment. And it is commitment that allows us even more choices.

Here are some examples that may better illustrate my point:

• Keeping your options open when it comes to romantic relationships prevents you from forming deep attachment, trust, and love. From a stable committed marriage you have the ability to grow and develop. In fact, digging deeper in the same spot is how we reach the rich, fertile soil of a relationship. When one tries to to dig in several places at the same time because they don't want to chose the wrong spot--this is more likely to create anxiety. In addition, when you are in a committed relationship you have the option of a regular ride to the airport and hospital--and a few other nice perks you can think of yourself.

• When you commit to one faith and set of values that don't change, you have the option of peace and of expansion. Metaphorically, the deeper you dig with your faith, the more the hole can be filled with treasure--or "hidden treasures of knowledge," as they are sometimes called. (I might say more about this in a later blog post.)
  

• When you commit to a career, you can advance in it to the highest level and skill. Whereas, if you are always changing directions, it is difficult to become the best at any one thing.
• When you commit to bring your child into the world in a gentle, spiritual, dignified manner, then you have the option of being open to spiritual guidance. You also have the simplicity of having a measuring stick for all related choices. Questions such as, "Is it peaceful? Is it gentle? Is it necessary? Will it allow me to feel the connection to the divine? If not, what else might need to happen first, so that it can?"

I have been trying to find a way to articulate how commitment also produces miracles and divine assistance, but two days ago I found these perfect words from Goethe:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." -- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

This reminds me of Lani's birth story. When Lani felt inspired to have a home birth, she had some inner struggle at first about making a decision that was not popular. They also weren't sure how they were going to pay for it. However, when she and her husband made the decision and committed to it, the heavens opened up. Here are her words:

"I still struggled, at times, to remember the assurance that we had chosen the correct path. “Are we sure we’re doing the right thing?” I frequently asked Reid at bedtime. While the idea of home birth had been frightening to him in the past, he was now blessed to become my rock of strength—never doubting for a moment. He reassured me time and again when my faith wavered or when I expressed my real concerns that I wouldn’t know how to love our boy baby. In another priesthood blessing I had sought for reassurance, the Lord promised us that He would watch over all of us to ensure that we would be “well and safe” as I gave birth. And the Lord, my God, "did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith," just as He had told me He would, through the scriptures, at the beginning of my pregnancy.

The blessings and miracles continued to pour down upon us. In February, I attended a doula training workshop (offered for free as a gift to the community by the doula trainer) where I met many women who would become my friends. One of them, Cassie, offered to be my doula and take photographs of my birth (again, for free). She came over several times before the birth to meet Reid and my girls and to take maternity photos for us. Unexpected additional income came to us, with the probability of further additional income opportunities in the future. Just as the Lord had promised, we found ourselves with enough and to spare financially, and our baby’s birth was completely paid-for by my 36th week of pregnancy."

Lani's story is also a great example of how a loving committed partner can give us added strength and courage to keep digging.

We are Daughters: Preparing Young Women for Pregnancy and Childbirth

This truly inspired guest post is form Brittany from Birth Unplugged

Every Sunday, 12-18 year old girls all over the world stand and read aloud or recite a very beautiful and powerful document. It goes like this…

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. We will "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9) as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are:

Faith

Divine Nature

Individual Worth

Knowledge

Choice and Accountability

Good Works

Integrity and

Virtue

We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

(the Young Women theme)

Learning to live the values in this theme is an important part of the Young Women program, and the Personal Progress program is designed to give young women opportunities to learn about and develop these values in their lives.

As stated in the theme, the purpose of living the Young Women values is to prepare young women for the future, including the responsibility to “strengthen home and family.” The phrase “strengthen home and family” was added when I was in the Young Women program. Part of strengthening home and family involves our participation in “the means by which mortal life is created,” (from The Family: A Proclamation to the World) the process of conception, pregnancy, and childbirth. It makes sense that living the Young Women values can be a preparation for the important experiences of being pregnant and giving birth.

I would like to explore how each of the values applies to the great work of childbearing which the Lord gives to His daughters. I will include with each value, the scripture and short explanation of the value from the 2009 edition of the Personal Progress manual.

Faith

Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true (Alma 32:21).

I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, who loves me. I have faith in His eternal plan, which centers on Jesus Christ, my Savior.

Faith is the first principle of the Gospel. We must have faith to believe that our Heavenly Father is real and He cares about our lives. If we have faith, we can ask the Lord for guidance in our lives and trust that the inspiration we receive is from Him, and then we must exercise faith to act upon it.

Often we hear natural birth advocates announcing that birth is safe, with cries of “Trust Birth!” while those in the medical field scoff and say that birth is relatively dangerous with the implication that women should trust doctors. As women of faith, we know in whom we must place our trust. With our faith in the Lord, we can be guided to make the decisions that are best for us and our children, individually.

Divine Nature

Be partakers of the divine nature. … Giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity (2 Peter 1:4–7).

I have inherited divine qualities, which I will strive to develop.

Divine Nature is the knowledge that we are created in the image of God (Gen 1:26-27) and that we are His children and have within us divine potential. The processes of pregnancy and birth were divinely designed and are the beautiful, sacred, godly purpose of our creation. “The woman, by her very nature, is also co-creator with God.” (Boyd K. Packer, “For Time and All Eternity,” Ensign, Nov 1993, 21)

As a woman who knows that the female body is divine and who understands that pregnancy and birth are part of its divine purposes, it is easy for me to believe that there can be harm in interfering with the natural birth process when it is going according to Heavenly Father’s design. This leads me to feel that something is not right with a system that relies heavily on medications and surgery to complete a natural process. I also believe that our Father in Heaven has provided us with safe, natural ways to relieve pain during birthing.

Individual Worth

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10).

I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission, which I will strive to fulfill.

Important to understanding Individual Worth is understanding how it differs from Divine Nature. I like to think of it this way. Divine Nature refers to knowing that God created His children to be like Him, while Individual Worth refers to knowing that he only created one of me. He wants us to know that He loves us each individually, with our own unique attributes and purposes. This is why Individual Worth is included separately from Divine Nature.

Knowing that our Father loves each of us helps us recognize that He cares about our experiences enough to guide us in them. No two birth stories are the same, and yet every baby born is as important to Him as Jesus Christ. I found I had difficulty enjoying my second pregnancy because the experience was not new, and therefore not as exciting as my first pregnancy—until I realized that my new baby was his own unique soul. This realization helped me significantly bond with my child, who I know the Lord loves and created to be an individual with infinite worth. As the Lord told His prophet Jeremiah, “Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew thee.” (Jer. 1:5)

Knowledge

Seek learning, even by study and also by faith (D&C 88:118).

I will continually seek opportunities for learning and growth.

The Lord desires for his daughters to cultivate a spirit of learning in our lives. In a speech to BYU students entitled “The Journey of Lifelong Learning,” Elder Robert D. Hales specifically addressed opportunities for learning in motherhood,

“Motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning. A mother’s learning grows as she nurtures the child in his or her development years. They are both learning and maturing together at a remarkable pace. It’s exponential, not linear. Just think of the learning process of a mother throughout the lifetime of her children. . . For example, in the process of rearing her children, a mother studies such topics as child development; nutrition; health care; physiology; psychology; nursing with medical research and care. . . The learning examples could continue endlessly. . . My point is, my dear sisters—as well as for the brethren, who I hope are listening carefully—a mother’s opportunity for lifelong learning and teaching is universal in nature.”

I believe that in something as important as the divinely created process of bringing His children into this world, the Lord is pleased when his daughters’ desire to learn more about it. We are acting on the value of knowledge when we learn about how pregnancy and birth typically unfold according to His plan, as well as the benefits and risks of various tests, procedures, and medications commonly used in pregnancy and birth.

Choice and Accountability

Choose you this day whom ye will serve; … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord (Joshua 24:15).

I will choose good over evil and will accept responsibility for my decisions.

The basic principle of Choice and Accountability is that we have choices, and our choices have consequences. From the account of the war in heaven found in Moses 4:1-4, we know that it is part of God’s plan for us to have choices, and that Satan’s rebellion was based on the belief that he could accomplish universal salvation by taking away agency.

It is common in American maternity care for women to defer all decisions, and therefore all responsibility for the consequences, to their doctors. This is one reason so many doctors are sued. I believe that our Heavenly Father desires for us to make our own decisions, with his guidance. If we learn about all of our options and the possible consequences of various choices we may make, we are in a position where we can be accountable for our choices.

Good Works

Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven (3 Nephi 12:16).

I will help others and build the kingdom through righteous service.

Good Works is the value of giving of one’s self for the benefit of others. In a 1942 issue of the Improvement Era, the first presidency referred to motherhood as “the highest, holiest service … assumed by mankind.” The sharing of the body’s resources with our babies during pregnancy and other hardships we may endure in order to give our children life constitute very important form of service. The value of the service we give in creating and sustaining new life with our bodies is not to be understated.

Integrity

Till I die I will not remove mine integrity from me (Job 27:5).

I will have the moral courage to make my actions consistent with my knowledge of right and wrong.

Integrity is having the courage to act on what you know is the truth. In pregnancy and birth, this applies to holding strong to what the Lord has guided you to do to best take care of yourself and your baby. Sometimes your choices may not be popular, but integrity means holding fast to your principles in the face of any opposition you may receive from anyone who may disagree with your choices, whether they are friends, family, or medical professionals.

Virtue

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies (Proverbs 31:10).

I will prepare to enter the temple and remain pure and worthy.

My thoughts and actions will be based on high moral standards.

The eighth value, virtue, was added in November 2008. Virtue encompasses chastity in thought and deed, as well as modesty in dress, speech, and action. A virtuous woman knows the true holy purposes of her body, and does not seek to misuse it for ungodly purposes. Striving to be virtuous before marriage will bless a women in her marriage as she uses her divine body for two of its most divine purposes, the binding together of husband and wife and the creation of physical bodies for children to join her family.

I believe it is important for our young women to understand that while being worthy to enter the Lord’s house is a very good reason to be pure, it is not the only reason. Virtue is not a means to an end of a temple marriage, but rather a lifestyle of respect for Heavenly Father’s plan and our place within that plan.

A Sweetness I Never Expected

This birth story was submitted by Kelley Birrell:

Several months before I got pregnant with my last child, a little girl, my then 4-year-old son asked me where babies come from. I wasn't prepared with a pat answer, so I just shot from the hip and told it to him straight. I didn't explain the nitty-gritty details of how the babies got in there, but I did tell him how they start as special seeds from the daddy, grow inside the mommy's belly, and that they eventually come out through a special hole in her bottom. I also told him that he'd be welcome to be there at the birth of our next baby.

This really got him excited, and for the next several months I kept getting questions about when I was going to get another baby in my belly so he could watch it be born. Finally, the long-awaited day came and I announced to my husband and sons, through happy tears, that I was pregnant. My son immediately asked if he could still be there when the baby came. I told him "absolutely."

This pregnancy, with what turned out to be my first and only daughter, was not a pleasant one. I was miserably sick at the beginning (for the first time in 4 pregnancies!), and in excruciating pain at the end. I was planning a homebirth, but it took me several months to find a midwife who could practice in my state, and then I found that I really didn't like her style of care. I was worried that I'd have to have my baby in the hospital, and that it wouldn't work for my son to be there for the birth.

Around my 6th month, we moved to a different state and I quickly found another midwife. I adored this one from the moment I set eyes on her, and we bonded immediately. She helped me cope through the last 3 very difficult months of my pregnancy, for which I was deeply grateful.

The best thing about finding her is that I realized that my dreams of a homebirth were very likely going to come true. By this time, the invitation to my one son to be at the birth had grown to include all three of my sons (now aged 3 1/2, nearly 6, and 8). They were excited, but I don't think they really had any idea of what was going to happen.

As I neared the end of my pregnancy, I began to worry about how I was going to handle having three little, sometimes rambunctious boys around me while I was in labor. Previously I had had only adults around me, and my kids were not there. Also, I was getting some really strange looks when I'd tell friends that my sons were going to watch the birth. It was like everyone around me thought it was extremely inappropriate for my sons to see that. On top of all this, my mom kept telling me that I should have a back-up plan for the kids in case I had to go to the hospital suddenly. The problem was that I wasn't about to tell them they couldn't come when I'd been telling them they could for over a year. I decided to brush off everybody else's opinions, and just focus on what I knew was right - that my boys needed to be there.

Finally the day we'd all been waiting for came. I started having contractions at about 3:00 in the morning, but managed to sleep through them off and on. They weren't too terribly frequent or intense by morning when everyone got up, so I took the kids to a birthday party at a local park. Lots of people were there, and the kids played while I talked to several of the moms, stopping every five minutes or so to breathe through contractions that were starting to become more consuming. I was very glad when the party was over, and we could go home (I hated to make my boys leave before all their friends did).

Next came the part I had been mildly dreading - at home, taking care of my three kids by myself for a few hours while I was in labor. However, the afternoon went much better than I could have anticipated. My boys took great naps, and then played quietly (totally out of character for them, I should add) while I labored on a birth ball in our living room. My husband came home, and all 4 of them took very good care of me. My now nearly 6-year-old son brought me water, and my boys took turns with each other and my husband rubbing my back for me. They were gentle and kind, and I was truly surprised at how sweet the experience was turning out to be.

Fast forward a few hours... the time had come for the birth. My boys were starting to get very excited, and my midwife showed up at the house about the time my husband was planning to take them to a nearby restaurant with a playland so they could burn off some energy. We all thought there were still several more hours to go. My midwife and I got comfortable, I made myself a peanut butter smoothie, and we talked for a few minutes.

After I finished, we went into the bedroom so she could check me to get an idea of where things were. What happened next was a total surprise to both of us. My cervix was positioned far enough back that she could barely reach it, however, she managed to ascertain that I was about 4 centimeters and VERY stretchy. As an experiment, she lightly tugged on the edge during a contraction (they ARE inevitable when you're getting checked) to see what would happen. What happened is that I immediately opened up to about a 10 and my baby's head came down right to her hand!

She jumped up, and started getting things ready for the birth VERY quickly! I had her call my husband and tell him to get home IMMEDIATELY while I knelt on my hands and knees and vocalized through a few more contractions. By the time they all arrived a couple minutes later, I was positioned on a birth ball at the side of my bed, and pushing with all my might. My husband and our sons stood at the door of our room getting a full view of the action, but I didn't mind a bit. At one point, I remember my youngest son (the 3 1/2-year-old) telling his brother that the baby was going to come out Mommy's special hole in her bottom. Even though I was working hard, I just had to smile at that dear little voice saying such an innocent and funny thing. A few minutes later, my beautiful daughter was born, and my husband (of course) and boys saw every bit of it.

Looking back on the experience, I will be eternally grateful that I trusted myself and my boys enough to have them at the birth. My almost 6-year-old said some every special things about the birth later, even though he did admit thinking it was just a little gross (boys WILL be boys!). All of them adore their sister, and did immediately. It was like she was every bit as much their baby as she was my baby. I was pleasantly surprised at how delightful and sweet it was having my children there, and being able to hear their thoughtful comments and charming voices in the background. It is an experience I will always cherish, a moment when we truly became a family all together at last.

He Gets It

Today I got some not-so-happy news and it spun me into an ugly depression. Spinning is really the best way to describe it--like being caught in a whirlwind and also having that same tornado in your head and stomach. I write a lot here that is meant to be happy or inspiring--but I want it to be known that I get that life is hard--that there are moments that I just don't want to go on. But I also know that if I stop swimming I will drown. There is no one else for me hold on to.

Or is there?

I have been thinking about the Atonement of Jesus Christ lately. We talk a lot about it in church and we all sort of theoretically get that he descended below all and some way, which neither chemistry or physics can explain, took upon Himself all of our sins, suffering and pain. I've used the Atonement many times in my life, for repentance, but mostly for the healing from sorrows and pain. And it amazingly works. But each time something new and painful or sorrowful comes up in my life I have to stop and think, is this something God understands and cares about? And then, each time, I wonder: How do I do this? How do I access the Atonement?

I am writing this to remind myself and anyone reading that yes, this is something God cares and he does get it. Even though we can't possibly comprehend with our mortal brains how the Atonement actually happened, somehow, it did, and Jesus Christ did actually feel all the sorrows and sins and physical pain of all the people in the all the world ever. But just thinking of all the pain in my own lifetime is enough for me to get weak at the thought of it.

There is a cool quote one of my collaborators sent me that I can't find right now, but it's about how we can't think of the Atonement generally--because it is very specific. Jesus Christ didn't just take on the "sins and suffering of all the world." He took on the pain of my abusive marriage and abandonment and divorce, so that when I think about it, it pains me no more. Jesus Christ understands more than anyone what is like to watch your mother deteriorate with cancer. He understands the anger of learning that your ex-husband molested all of your daughters, of losing all your savings in a bitter custody battle, losing your two year-old because of E coli in the spinach you were feeding her to grow healthy and strong. He knows what it's like to bleed through your white shorts on a date, to throw up 12 times in one day, the shock of your unplanned and unmarried pregnancy, the bittersweet miscarriage of that pregnancy, the stress of an overdrawn bank account, the sadness of another year without a baby, or another year without having a husband, because he died at thirty-four. He knows what it's like to watch people you love take the wrong path, to lose your house in foreclosure, to lose your dancing career because you had a baby. He gets it.

Jesus Christ has felt and knows all of this personally. I think sometimes we get wrong messages from outside or inside that tell us every sin or additional sorrow we experience is adding more to Jesus' pain. It's not true. He already went through it, and He did it so we don't have to--if we can accept and use the Atonement. So how do we access the Atonement?

My friend Sara used to say, "Just throw it on Jesus." I like that image of physically lifting the burden off my back and throwing it at Jesus' feet. But as far as how it is actually done, that is one of the most personal and difficult to describe things.

For me it involves a lot of prayer, meditation, and reading about the life of Jesus Christ. It is not instantaneous. It takes time and real faith in the Atonement. It also takes forgiveness. Of myself and others. But that is a whole other blog post. Maybe tomorrow. I am still trying to spin myself up.

Mandi's Story

This is Busca talking: As I reflected on the infertility and adoption story submitted by Mandi, I thought of this scripture:

A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow . . . but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. (John 16:21)

Though Mandi did not physically give birth to her son, her story is filled with the travail of bringing him into her family. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that she endured far more travail and “sorrow” bringing her one son into her family than I have endured giving birth to all of my children. Then, when she finally had her child in her arms, her joy was beyond words. The Lord, in His tender mercy, always over-compensates us—either in this life or the next—for the trials we endure in faith.

Enjoy this condensed excerpt of Mandi’s tear-jerking, heart-warming story:

I received my patriarchal blessing when I was 15. At the time, there were two big questions in my heart: Would I marry, and would I have children? As the patriarch placed his hands upon my head I felt the spirit very strongly. And then he spoke these words that brought so much comfort to my soul: “Mandi, you will have the opportunity of dating. Be very selective in the young men you date, date only those young men who will be worthy to take you to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. For there will be children born into your home, born under the covenant, and you, along with the husband you do choose, will have a great responsibility in rearing them, and teaching them the gospel.”

After receiving that blessing at age 15, I could have told you exactly how my life was going to play out. I would graduate from high school, and go to BYU the following fall. I’d take off a couple of semesters for a mission when I turned 21, then I’d come home, graduate, and then get married. I’d have 5 or 6 kids, and, when I got older, I’d serve a mission with my husband.

Well, that was the plan. At least the first part worked out as scheduled. After my mission I did graduate from college, but I didn’t get married. At least not right away. I wouldn’t meet my husband until 5 years later, when I was almost 30. We started trying to conceive right away, but nothing happened. I started seeing a healer who helped me cleanse some allergies and get my body back on track. My headaches went away, I started having regular periods. But still no baby.

We fasted month after month. I would cry and plead with the Lord to give us a baby. We prayed and prayed and prayed. There were women in my ward that were my age--33, 34, 35. They had 15 year-old daughters. They had 3-6 kids. They were done. They looked at me and wondered why I “didn’t want children.” They thought I was wrapped up in my career or had chosen something else.

If only they knew.

We wondered if we should adopt. We wondered if the Lord would heal my body and allow me to conceive. I was so tired of waiting. I wanted a little baby to love. I wanted to change poopy diapers and get up for midnight feedings. My patriarchal blessing did say that we’d have children “born into our home, born under the covenant.” That sounded pretty straightforward, right? Should we just cling to that, with faith that it would one day come true? Or did we have to do something to get there? Is that the real test? We just didn’t know.

On New Years of 2008, Jack and I toasted the New Year with a bottle of sparkling cider and promptly crawled into bed. But I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was another year without a baby. The pillow quickly became soaked with my tears. It felt like my heart would break. I seriously considered leaving Jack so he could remarry and have a family with someone else--a real woman that could have children and make him a father. I was completely hysterical that night. I had had trials in my life before--but nothing like this. This was the hardest thing I’d ever been through.

We’re not sure when/if we ever got a concrete answer about adoption, but all of sudden we had the paperwork and were turning it in to LDS Family Services. It took several months to get all the paperwork completed, and to do the required background checks, fingerprinting, etc. It is quite a lengthy process.

Over a year and more trials later, on June 23^rd 2009, were contacted by a birthmother named Melissa. She had found our profile on LDS Family Services website, and asked if we were still working with LDSFS. (We had give up on them and gone with another agency we hoped would be faster.) We felt such a connection with her. Later, we met Melissa and were so impressed by her strength and wisdom and selflessness. She was a beautiful young woman, inside and out. We loved her immediately. Then I flew out to Utah the first week of September for Melissa’s 20 week ultrasound. It was very emotional to see that precious little baby for the first time.

That Christmas, after spending time with Jack’s parents in Utah, we were supposed to fly home, but the day before our flight we got a text message from Melissa saying that she was at her midwife appointment and that she was dilated to a 4, and 70% effaced! (She wasn’t due until January 16.) We decided to stay, and just wait it out.

About a week later, on January 8, Melissa went into labor. Melissa's mom and I held her legs while she pushed for about an hour-- and there he was! I got to cut his cord. He had big brown eyes and lots of dark hair. He was perfect. Our hearts swelled with love for our new baby boy, and we felt like the luckiest people on earth. We named him Leo Joseph.

Forty-eight hours later, we waited in another room while Melissa was signing the relinquishment papers. The case worker came in and said that Melissa wanted to talk to me, so I went in.

She was crying hysterically and said to me, "Promise me he's going to be okay. Promise me. I know that I could be a single mom, I could do this. But I know that what he needs is a mom and a dad. He needs Jack. He needs a dad. I know his birthfather just can't do that for him."

We were both bawling by that point. My heart was breaking for her. I hugged her tight and told her how much we loved her, and how much we loved Leo and that we were going to be the best parents to him that we could be. We talked for a few minutes more, and she said that she was okay and was ready to sign.

A few minutes later, we signed our paperwork with the other caseworker, and then presented Melissa with a gift--a locket, so she can carry a photo of Leo with her always. We told her how much we honor her and love her. It was very emotional for all of us. Melissa and I helped dress Leo in his little outfit and got him ready to leave. She breastfed him one more time, and then she bundled him up, and handed him to me. It was time to go.

We had tearful goodbyes with everyone, and then Jack put Leo into his car seat, and we got him buckled in. This was it. He was all ours. I couldn't believe it! He was the most beautiful, precious thing I had ever seen.

Leo is now 5 months old, and we are overjoyed to have him in our family. We thank God for him every day. One month from now, Leo will be sealed to us for time and eternity, “as though he had been born under the covenant.” That will be a joyous, happy day.

I wish I were a writer or a poet, so I could find the words to convey the joy I feel when I look at my sweet boy’s face. He is an angel. A miracle. I feel so privileged to be his mom. He was worth the wait. The pain of infertility has been washed away. I am so grateful for the Lord’s tender mercies, and I wonder why I did not trust him. Once again, the Lord has proven that he knows what is best for me. He loves me. The plan and timeline he has for my life is always right, is always best.

Imagery Meditation in the Scriptures

This weekend I got certified in Angels.

That means that I am a certified Therapeutic Imagery Facilitator in Angel Imagery. Which means that if my clients believe in angels or emissaries or anything like unto them, I can take them on imagery journeys using these powerful guides. Imagery is an amazing therapeutic tool for helping people move through changes, move through fear, connect with inner wisdom, take a step forward, etc. I loved the whole certification day because I got to hang out with angels, other people who love angels, and hear and share all the cool experiences we have had.

Of course, since we are at an accredited college of hypnosis, and everyone has their own unique beliefs, we don't get into specifics about God or angels. But no matter how many names you call them, it is still evidence to me that Heavenly Father is sending love to each and every one of his children in the ways that they are most prepared to understand at that moment. For some people it is a feather appearing in their hand or at their feet in an unlikely place, or a butterfly landing on their nose, dimes appearing on the ground every time you need reassurance. Others feel hands on their shoulders or see the same person who never ages appearing oddly out of nowhere at different times in their lives.

When you are in a state of hypnosis and on a semi-guided imagery journey, all the images and people and wise and loving somethings that come to a person and give them information or love are really images that come from the subconscious mind--or are they? In D&C 8:2, God says, "Behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost...."

After having several very spiritual experiences in the hypnosis, I realized that it is an ideal time for God to communicate with us, and that it can be a very powerful form of meditation. Right after the Angels certification, I was reading the "Effective Study" chapter of the Preach My Gospel manual under the subheading "Search, Ponder and Remember," and this practically levitated off the page at me:

"Visualize what you are studying. For example, imagine what it was like for Ammon to stand before the Lamanite king."

Visualize. It seems so obvious, but I don't usually read my scriptures this way. So I opened my scriptures and it happened to fall open to the Tree of Life vision. I read one verse at a time, guiding my self through an imagery journey, saturating all my senses. I imagined myself being guided through the forest till I saw the tree with the fruit that was whiter than anything earthly. Biting into that fruit I let my sense of taste and smell open up. It was indeed desirable to make one happy. Then I saw my family not far off, and I felt the feeling of longing for them to taste it....

Time warped in this state and 30 minutes felt like 5.

I don't think it was a coincidence that I opened to the Tree of Life vision, as the name of my hypnotherapy practice is Tree of Life Hypnosis.

The difference between guided imagery and semi-guided imagery, is that the latter allows clients to fill in the blanks with their own subconscious images and symbols that will be most powerful to them. While guided imagery can be powerful, it doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone wants to be told what this or that represents or how everything looks, because maybe in their imagination a peaceful place is not a beach, but a river or a mountain. So, for example, in a semi-guided imagery journey a person can ask an angel or inner guide to communicate exactly what they need to know in a way that they understand. Or perhaps 3 creatures (from any place or time, fantasy or reality) appear to them and give them an object of great significance. In this way, each person can have their own experience, which is much more powerful.

Only recently, did I realize that the scriptures are the like this. They don't read like a novel partially because brevity went well with engraving on metal plates, but maybe also because Heavenly Father knew that it would better allow each person to liken the scriptures unto themselves.

As a result of all this, I have decided to host several group semi-guided Angel journeys and Tree of Life imagery journeys in Los Angeles (City of the Angels) and in the Salt Lake area. I am also planning a very cool Re-birthing Workshop. Stay tuned for details on that.

Incidentally, since this is a blog about pregnancy, I have to mention that imagery is the most powerful hypnoanesthesia in the world. So when you go into labor, ask you husband or partner to tell you stories about the day he fell in love with you, or about your favorite place in nature--making sure to saturate all five your senses. Have him put his creative remembering cap on and describe for you how things looked, the colors, the details, the smells. Every woman knows the smell of her mate from 5 sweaty t-shirts. Have him talk about the taste in the air or the food, the sounds that were around--either from nature or the radio or the refrigerator. Have him help you imagine the feeling of his first touch against your skin, the feeling in your body, as you looked out over the sunset--or whatever.

This kind of hypnosis is transportive. As I said, time warps and it the most powerful hypnoanesthesea in the world. It will also revert you back to the honeymoon stage of your relationship, which is a great place to be when you welcome your new life.