An Open Letter to the Nurse at Cedars Sinai Who Called Me a Failure

You couldn't have known how I had spent 6 months clearing that word out of my skin, my organs, my blood stream. Many women never fully recover from abuse, but I had made a good start. You could not have known how my watery appearance in your hallway was the culmination of many successes: a night and a day of natural labor, in and out of the birth tub, up and down the stairs, pacing in the shady parts of the street, and finally, I had reached that dreamy trancey state. Transition was easier for me than early labor. I felt awareness and sensation in my body, but absolute comfort as I drifted and floated in the ocean of my mind.

When the midwife told me I had three strikes, that my baby would need to be born at the hospital, I was calm. I have spent enough time with lambs to tell you that I went like a lamb. Innocent. I trusted her perfectly. I trusted God and the blessing I had received that morning that specifically mentioned my midwife's judgment. And I trusted my baby. Trust itself is a miracle.

It was this trust in my caregivers that allowed me to divert all my resources to the soul coming through me. I held onto the car handles, half-robed, and stared dreamily out the window at La Cienega Boulevard and Los Angeles blue skies, while everyone else worried about getting there in time. I was only half aware of their concern. I knew she wasn't going to come in the car. I knew her heart rate would remain steady.

You couldn't have known that because I was using all my resources to transition a soul from inside out, I had none left to protect myself. I had no shield to deflect your thoughtless words. And so they dropped like a clumsy rock into a still lake: no shore was left untouched by the ripples. If I had been hooked up to a biofeedback machine, I'm sure you would have seen gauges and needles spike or plummet. Even Dr. Chin commented on my apathetic pushing. "I'm going to give you one more chance. I know you can do better," he said.

You are lucky that Davi didn't hear you. My midwife, whose name means Goddess, who wears a turban and meditates 3 hours every day, probably would have punched you.

I'm sure it was nothing personal. You were probably just using the language someone trained you to use. And your tone of voice was probably just your tired feet talking. It was, in fact, almost 3 o'clock and time for a shift change.

My angel baby was born about 20 minutes after we arrived. No one bothered to look at the clock, so we guessed it was 3:19 p.m. She was a little blue form the cord around her neck, and cone shaped from the vacuum--which Dr. Chin did end up using--but perfectly healthy and normal in every way.

I immediately forgot about you as I latched her onto my breast. Skin to skin, everyone else disappeared.

And yet. For years afterward I found myself having imaginary conversations with you. "I'm not a failed home birth, I'm a successful home birth transfer. Aren't all people who come to the hospital transferring from home at some point or another? Did I not have a natural, vaginal, peaceful birth?" This was useless.

I didn't write my birth story for years--I think because on some level, I did feel I had failed, and your words gave voice to those fears. I am not one to face things, so I continued arguing with you.

It wasn't until Phoebe was 3 years old, during a re-birthing meditation, that I got divine clarity about her birth. I now understand that I did everything exactly as I was inspired, my baby was born exactly how she needed to be born, and I had the exact experiences I needed to have. Not accepting this was my real failure.

And so I want to thank you, dear nurse, for being at the right place and the right time on your tired feet to teach me a lesson about forgiveness and success.

Forgive

image courtesy of rpigate.files.wordpress.com

Pregnancy is a time of upheaval and reevaluation. During pregnancy, many women (and men) find themselves with unexpected feelings about the past and contemplation about the future. Evaluating who you are and where you are going is a normal part of pregnancy. Through this process, however, many old wounds may be exposed and forgiveness and/or repentance may be necessary.

Pregnancy and fertility issues can bring up sadness about old losses or old transgressions, guilt, shame, anger (at prior caregivers, family, spouse, self), and a number of other feelings.

Pregnancy is also a time when many women re-evaluate their faith or lack of faith, and have a desire (and a deadline) to be better. This almost always requires forgiveness of self and others.

For what might you need to repent/forgive yourself? Here are just a few thoughts:

• years of selfishness
• poor care of your body
• disobedience to commandments
  
• prior miscarriages (it is not your fault)
• bad decisions
  
• bad behavior toward family or spouse
  
• jealousy
• omissions

For what might you need to forgive others?

• omissions
• rejections
• inconsiderateness
• abuse
• scaring you about birth
• wasting your childbearing years (this comes up a lot when there are fertility issues)
• not being who you want them to be
• dishonesty
  
• breaking the commandments

This where the second principle of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is so important. Repentance and forgiveness go hand in hand with healing, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ is what makes it all possible.

In D & C 64:10, God says, "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." Forgiving others takes time, especially when the hurt is deep or the offenses grave. Don't beat yourself up if your heart doesn't fill with forgiveness right away. However, if you diligently pray and leave a space in your heart for forgiveness, I promise that one day you will notice it has gradually filled in.

I also want to mention v. 13 of that same section--because while turning the other cheek gets a lot of mention in Christian thought, God has also instructed us that at times it is necessary to bring some people to judgment "not because ye forgive not, having not compassion, but that ye may be justified in the eyes of the law, that ye may not offend him who is your lawgiver— ." I think this applies not just to the Heavenly lawgiver, but also the earthly constitutional lawgiver. I don't envy you if you are dealing with these dynamics, but I know from some experience that forgiveness is possible, even in this situation.

On the other hand, if you feel that it is you who need to need to be forgiven, start now. Kneel down and allow yourself to believe that loving Heavenly Parents want to give you all the blessings they have. Repentance is so worth it. I can't say that with enough emphasis. And if you don't even know where to start or what to change, take Elder Neil A. Anderson's advice and "humbly petition the Lord 'Father, what wouldst Though have me do?' The answers come. We feel the changes we need to make. The Lord tells us in our mind and in our heart."

Just like baptism is a rebirth (a water birth!) and literally symbolizes the death of the old self and rebirth of the new, so is pregnancy. Some part of your old self must die and be buried in order for you to be reborn as a mother. But even though baptism (and the moment of birth) happens in just a few seconds, the journey to getting there is personal and has different levels of difficulty for everyone.

Another great lesson I just learned is about why we remember our sins and regret them so long after we have forsaken them. Elder Anderson says in his October 2009 conference address:

"The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget. The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory. It is a vital part of our learning. "

If you have some sadness or regret about things you have already cleared up, allow yourself to believe that it is because great blessings are coming. Sad memories may be a gentle reminder to use the lessons we have learned in a new situation.

Many of life's big issues come up during pregnancy to give us a chance to heal and transform. Everything you are feeling right now has a purpose and if you aren't sure what it is, then ask the Lord. Seek answers in the scriptures. Meditate. Try to greater understand the Atonement. It works if you work. You will find the answers you need and feel the healing forgiveness brings.

Remember that any time a woman does something to positively change herself, her entire family will be blessed.

If you have a story you'd like to share about forgiveness or repentance, please share it.