He Gets It

Today I got some not-so-happy news and it spun me into an ugly depression. Spinning is really the best way to describe it--like being caught in a whirlwind and also having that same tornado in your head and stomach. I write a lot here that is meant to be happy or inspiring--but I want it to be known that I get that life is hard--that there are moments that I just don't want to go on. But I also know that if I stop swimming I will drown. There is no one else for me hold on to.

Or is there?

I have been thinking about the Atonement of Jesus Christ lately. We talk a lot about it in church and we all sort of theoretically get that he descended below all and some way, which neither chemistry or physics can explain, took upon Himself all of our sins, suffering and pain. I've used the Atonement many times in my life, for repentance, but mostly for the healing from sorrows and pain. And it amazingly works. But each time something new and painful or sorrowful comes up in my life I have to stop and think, is this something God understands and cares about? And then, each time, I wonder: How do I do this? How do I access the Atonement?

I am writing this to remind myself and anyone reading that yes, this is something God cares and he does get it. Even though we can't possibly comprehend with our mortal brains how the Atonement actually happened, somehow, it did, and Jesus Christ did actually feel all the sorrows and sins and physical pain of all the people in the all the world ever. But just thinking of all the pain in my own lifetime is enough for me to get weak at the thought of it.

There is a cool quote one of my collaborators sent me that I can't find right now, but it's about how we can't think of the Atonement generally--because it is very specific. Jesus Christ didn't just take on the "sins and suffering of all the world." He took on the pain of my abusive marriage and abandonment and divorce, so that when I think about it, it pains me no more. Jesus Christ understands more than anyone what is like to watch your mother deteriorate with cancer. He understands the anger of learning that your ex-husband molested all of your daughters, of losing all your savings in a bitter custody battle, losing your two year-old because of E coli in the spinach you were feeding her to grow healthy and strong. He knows what it's like to bleed through your white shorts on a date, to throw up 12 times in one day, the shock of your unplanned and unmarried pregnancy, the bittersweet miscarriage of that pregnancy, the stress of an overdrawn bank account, the sadness of another year without a baby, or another year without having a husband, because he died at thirty-four. He knows what it's like to watch people you love take the wrong path, to lose your house in foreclosure, to lose your dancing career because you had a baby. He gets it.

Jesus Christ has felt and knows all of this personally. I think sometimes we get wrong messages from outside or inside that tell us every sin or additional sorrow we experience is adding more to Jesus' pain. It's not true. He already went through it, and He did it so we don't have to--if we can accept and use the Atonement. So how do we access the Atonement?

My friend Sara used to say, "Just throw it on Jesus." I like that image of physically lifting the burden off my back and throwing it at Jesus' feet. But as far as how it is actually done, that is one of the most personal and difficult to describe things.

For me it involves a lot of prayer, meditation, and reading about the life of Jesus Christ. It is not instantaneous. It takes time and real faith in the Atonement. It also takes forgiveness. Of myself and others. But that is a whole other blog post. Maybe tomorrow. I am still trying to spin myself up.

The Curse of Eve

When I was pregnant I took a Hebrew Class. I had been wanting to learn another language, but never thought of Hebrew because of the different alphabet. But when I heard that a man in our stake would be teaching it through the Institute, I felt inspired to go.

I was actually the best in the class. I have a gift for languages. I know this. But I was surprised that even with my forgetful pregnant brain it came so easily for me. I haven't gone beyond beginning Hebrew since then because well, I had a baby and haven't had time to take any classes. But it was good for me. I can read it and recognize it being spoken, although my understanding and conversation skills are limited to phrases like: "Are you a teacher?" "No, I am a student" and "The world is my laboratory." This gets me in good with lots of Jews in L.A. That and "can I use your bathtub?" and "what a beautiful violin."

My goal someday is to read the Bible in its original Hebrew. But I'm getting way off course here. I was talking about Eve.

Lots of Christians believe that childbirth is supposed to be painful. That it has been since the dawn of time and that it is because of the curse of Eve. Didn't God curse her for eating the fruit by saying he would increase her suffering in childbirth?

Well, actually no. God didn't say that. Those are the words translators chose when translating the Bible later, at a time when the conditions surrounding childbirth were particularly awful. The Hebrew word etzev is translated to mean "labor, toil and work." It is used 16 times in the King James version of the Bible, but when it referred to childbirth, some translators interpreted it to mean "pain, sorrow, anguish or pangs."

And if you read Genesis in the original Hebrew, God never curses Eve exclusively. He used the same wording when speaking to Adam as to Eve.

Yes they would work hard in the real world outside the garden. They would have to labor and sweat and toil. And all of those words apply to childbirth--thus, the term labor is appropriate. But no mention is made of pain in any of the original Hebrew writings of the prophets. The Curse of Eve idea originated some time after 200 A.D. when contempt for women and women healers like midwives led to some pretty bad conditions for women. That is quite a long story which I won't cover here. But Marie Mongan does a good job with the history of Childbirth in her book Hypnobirthing, if you want to check it out.

I find this a fascinating example of how one word, translated incorrectly can effect the state of women so much and become embedded in modern Christian thinking.

That's why I love being part of a religion that encourages us to find things out for ourselves. Personal revelation. It's where it's at. I think this is the biggest misconception of Mormons and adherents to any religion--is that we are automatons, blindly following. But clearly, some people are--because that misconception didn't come from nowhere. Let this be a call to all you who consider yourselves thinking women. If you haven't questioned and at least examined your options for birthing besides the one where the doctor tells you what to do, now is the time.

I hear to many regrets about first births from people who just didn't know there were other options. Think of this birth as your only birth. And consult with the Lord. He cares how and where you will bring his spirit into this world.