Lessons From the Bonsai - Finally

Japanese Elm bonsai tree.

In February there were 3 babies due in our little collaborator group--so we did a virtual mother shower/ blessingway for each of them and sent our love and wishes for their birth along with some beads and a little bonsai tree suited to their climate. Above is a picture of Busca's tree.

In doing the research for the trees I became obsessed with bonsais, so I had to get one for myself, too. Mine is the same as the one above, a Japanese Elm.

As soon as I unpacked it and started to care for it and nurture it, I wondered what the lesson was. I knew there was something this tree was going to teach me that I would one day write about. But everything about bonsai trees seemed to be backward. Rather than letting it grow big, I was keeping it small--which is the opposite of what we should do with our children and not really possible with them anyway. Other metaphors fell just as awkwardly.

So I gave up on finding meaning and just found joy in the little tree and learned a little about pruning from my friend's husband who I learned is a closeted bonsai master. Pruning is tricky. It's all about trying to mimic nature--but perfection in nature. Fat trunks are desirable, and little cloud-like tufts of leaves with a tapering toward the top are also desirable. Shaping bonsais takes years and years of practice and patience. Whenever I prune my bonsai, I go into trance because it is totally meditative--you have to have a vision.

You can keep your bonsai under a foot tall forever, or you can let them grow larger but still keep their miniature look. If you want them to grow, you have to re-pot them every few years in a larger pot, let them grow wild for a bit, then prune the heck out of them. You do this over and over till you get the shape you want. Some people wire or tie branches to achieve a certain shape or windswept look. Here are some pictures and examples:

This is a bonsai (Ficus Retusa) after a hard prune.

This is a mature ficus retusa--probably at least 25 years old. Although I'm betting this one is closer to 100--probably owned by some Japanese bonsai master who has spent his whole life shaping it.

Here is a picture of some wiring on a Azalia bonsai that is just beginning to bloom.

Here's a smallish azalea bonsai in bloom.

Here's a large azalea bonsai. If you look closely you can see the wires on this one.

I'm not sure what this one is, but it is gorgeous.

This tree is about 25 years old. Mature trees like these can sell for thousands of dollars. Some as much as $25,000.

This is an award winning 75-year old Bonsai (Gmelina histrix).

It was a long time in coming, but I think I finally got my inspiration from the bonsai tree. The other morning I was lying in bed and some words came into my mind so powerfully that I knew I needed to write them down. They were: "restriction is training." I had no idea what that meant, but as I lay there in that early morning hypnotic state where connections and free association happen easily, thoughts of my bonsai tree came to me. Restrictions placed on a bonsai train it to grow in a certain direction. A bonsai master places restrictions on the bonsai in order to shape it into an amazing thing of beauty. It takes patience and practice, and sometimes after a hard prune doesn't look like much, but it is well worth it in the end.

The metaphor seems so obvious to me now, but it was a huge epiphany in the moment, when I was feeling annoyed about some restrictions in my life. It is clever how God saved or withheld this teaching moment from me till I needed it most. Also, is saw the metaphor as hugely applicable to parenting. It is our job to train up these little prophets and prophetesses, (with God's help), and sometimes we need to restrict and train them--while at the same time, God is training us. I hope that my little tree, which gives me so much joy, will always remind me of this. And one day, when I die at a ripe old age I hope one of my posterity will take over the care of my bonsai(s)--because by then I will surely have a dozen or more.

Why Hast Thou Thus Dealt With Us?

This week I was reading in Luke about the time that Joseph and Mary lost Jesus for a day. Jesus was about twelve. They had gone to the feast of Passover in Jerusalem and were traveling home several days journey. After a day they realized Jesus was not with them or any of their relations.

Oops.

So they returned to Jerusalem and spent 3 days looking for him. If you know this story, you know that they found him in the temple hearing and asking the doctors questions. What I noticed this time reading this story were Mary's words: "Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing." (Luke 2:48)

I realized that even though Jesus Christ was without sin and perfect, he still sometimes caused his parents sorrow.

This is interesting to me. They felt he had dealt with them badly. He didn't understand how they didn't understand that he was just fulfilling his mission.

49And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? ^awist ye not that I must be about my ^bFather’s business?

50And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them.

Again. Interesting. This makes me wonder how much of our sorrowing over our children is just misunderstanding their mission.

For example, last week, Phoebe got up early and I could hear her messing around in the kitchen. She has been in a sneaking phase, so I though she might be into the freezer sneaking ice cream or frozen raspberries.

I was about to catch her in the act and give her a long boring lecture, but 1 second before I could she saw me and screamed, "Close your eyes!"

It turned out that she had gotten up early to make me a surprise breakfast. I was stunned and awed that she would even think to do such a thing. It was the best breakfast I think I have ever had. Peanut butter on toast. Not toasted. :)

It was a nice literal wake up call to give people, but especially her, the benefit of the doubt before I start sorrowing.

I'm sure that you also have examples of this. I'd love to hear them.

Prophetess

A few weeks ago my daughter said to me from the back seat of the car, "Mom, do you know what I want to be when I grow up?"

I said, "What?"

"A prophet."

My first reaction was to laugh, but I withheld. Laughter is sometimes the unconscious mind's first response when there is an incongruity. Meaning, it was not what I was expecting to hear. I was honestly expecting "taxi driver," because I have been telling a funny story about a girl who wanted to be a taxi driver when she grew up.

I said, "That's great. Do you know what a prophet does?"

"No."

"They testify of Christ. They teach righteousness."

"Oh." She seemed to be thinking and then decided that she could begin being a prophet right away.

I tried to correct her and tell her that she was a "prophetess" not a prophet, but she had a harder time with that word. (She's not yet five and doesn't understand feminine and masculine word endings.) So she still says prophet if you ask her. It's really cute, and it's 100% sincere.

I told a few friends about it, and their first response was laughter, but then, thoughtfulness. One of my neighbors, after looking up prophetess on his iPhone to see if it was in fact a real word (he is not LDS) said, "Well, they don't come around that often, so maybe she is one."

I love that he said that. (He has his own kids, too.)

While he was reading wikipedia and his wife was looking up prophetess in the dictionary, I opened my Bible Dictionary and shared a few things with them:

"The work of a Hebrew prophet was to act as God's messenger and make known God's will.... He was to be, above all, a preacher of righteousness...."

I remember studying up on this a few years ago after I had a very interesting priesthood blessing wherein, one of my oldest friends blessed me with "the spirit of prophecy." I was sure he was speaking craziness, until I read the bible dictionary and this story in Numbers 11, which is now one of my favorites.

24¶And Moses went out, and told the people the words of the Lord, and gathered the ^aseventy men of the elders of the people, and set them round about the tabernacle.

25And the Lord came down in a ^acloud, and spake unto him, and took of the spirit that was upon him, and gave it unto the seventy ^belders: and it came to pass, that, when the spirit rested upon them, they ^cprophesied, and did not cease.

26But there remained two of the men in the camp, the name of the one was Eldad, and the name of the other Medad: and the spirit rested upon them; and they were of them that were written, but went not out unto the tabernacle: and they prophesied in the camp.

27And there ran a young man, and told Moses, and said, Eldad and Medad do prophesy in the camp.

28And ^aJoshua the son of ^bNun, the servant of Moses, one of his young men, answered and said, My lord Moses, forbid them.

29And Moses said unto him, Enviest thou for my sake? would God that all the Lord’s people were ^aprophets, and that the Lord would put his spirit upon them!

I love Moses's response. "Enviest thou for my sake?"

The very last line of the entry in the bible dictionary for Prophet says: "In a general sense, a prophet is anyone who has a testimony of Jesus Christ by the Holy Ghost."

Even though we are the only church that believes in a living prophet who presides over the church and can receive revelation for the church, we also believe that we can all have the spirit of prophecy. We can all preach righteousness, and uplift, edify one another, declare truth, and receive inspiration from the Holy Ghost.

As for my daughter, I can attest that she is already a prophetess. At her baby blessing my father blessed her that she would find out her mission early in life. I feel humbled, but up to the challenge of helping her remember it.

Of course, she is also still an almost-five-year-old--which makes for some fun times.

At lunch last week at the Sikh Ashram, where I like to eat yummy vegetarian Indian food, a woman came and sat by us because she said she was drawn to Phoebe's light. When she asked Phoebe what she wanted to be when she grew up and heard her response, she was not at all surprised. She couldn't believe her luck. She asked Phoebe to say a prayer that she could have a baby. She had just turned 40 and was trying to decide if she should have one of the men she knew impregnate her or if she should go to a sperm bank. She really wanted to have a child.

Phoebe said, "Okay." She turned to me. "Mom, I'm going to take a walk." Phoebe took a walk around the courtyard to say her prayer and then came back. The lady asked if Phoebe would say another prayer so that she could have 2 children.

Phoebe said, "Okay. Mom, I'm going to take a walk. I'll be right back." She took another walk and came back. "Okay. It's done," she said. "But you are going to get fat."

!!Laughter. Then, "Can you say a third one that I won't get fat?"

"Don't worry. It's just baby weight," said Phoebe.

I have no idea where she get this stuff.


So the follow up of this story is that yesterday, when I went to lunch at the Ashram I saw this woman again. She told me that prophet Phoebe's prayers were answered.

"I met the man I'm going to marry and we're moving in together and I'm meeting his parents in two weeks and we're going to try to get pregnant and plan a conscious wedding." All of this spilled out of her mouth as she showed me a picture of her new man. Cute. Good DNA. And she told me what a serving, loving person he is.

This all happened in a week. Yikes. But why I am I not surprised? For her sake, I hope she's right and that he is fabulous.

Back to the weightier matter of raising little prophets and prophetesses. This is no small task. But here's the kicker. It is not so much about parenting skills as it is about getting over your stuff--your own personal stuff and your relationship stuff--so that you install as little as possible of it in your children. That way they can find and start their missions sooner.

When I say get over your stuff, I'm not talking about the sort-of-trying, thinking-about-it, small steps you may have been taking toward positive change. Small steps are good. But I'm talking quantum leaps. These are the last days. And the fact that you are here now today parenting these children means that you can quantum leap every day. If you are not already growing and transforming and healing from your past every day, then ask God how. Lay down all your old stories, including guilt about not being there already. Just move forward. Any time a woman does something to raise her own vibration, the entire family benefits. You know this to be true. When you are grouchy, the whole family follows. When you are joyful, they also trail along like little puppies.

Ask God where to look and what to do so that you can grow more each day than you ever have before. Pour your heart out to Him. Then be prepared to follow inspiration. This requires releasing attachment to what growth should look like. Ask your children to pray for you, too. Then get ready.

Additional Tools for Conscious Parenting - Rebecca Williams' Story

One of the reasons I am so passionate about conscious pregnancy and birth is because when a woman or a couple chooses to birth consciously they begin to live consciously, and that leads to conscious parenting. I think the best way to describe consciousness is to first describe what it is not. Unconsciousness is making choices without really making them--doing what your parents or friend or popular culture is doing without thought for whether it is right for you. The effects of living unconsciously may not seem to matter on a small scale, but on a large scale, it is what causes waste, pollution, unhealthy trends, war, atrocity.

I received this story from a sister named Rebecca Williams. I plan to include it in the book, but also wanted to post it here because it is an excellent illustration of how we as Latter-day Saints can also use the scriptures and personal revelation in conscious parening.

How the Scriptures Helped Me in Motherhood

by Rebecca Williams

When Caleb was eight months old, we moved to a new ward. A few weeks later, my husband and I were asked to speak in sacrament meeting on the topic "Biblical mothers." I loved preparing for this talk. There were obviously too many women in the Bible to be able to address all of them, but I highlighted four: Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel. I referenced much of my talk from a book I had called Daughters of God by S. Michael Wilcox.

About two months before this, Caleb had started waking up 1-3 times during the night, after several months of sleeping 9-11 hours straight. I didn't know how to help him return to his good sleeping habits that he had originally acquired on his own, without any "sleep training." What was causing him to wake up all of the sudden? Was it teething? Was it hunger? (We had recently started solids, and he was slow to adjust to them.) Had he started waking due to a mild cold and then just continued waking out of habit? My pediatrician told me to let him "cry it out" and he would stop waking up so much. I didn't like the idea of letting my baby cry if he needed me for something, nor did I want him to feel like no one heard or cared when he cried. I consulted various books, each providing a different approach for good sleeping and eating habits, and each seemed to shout "This is the way to do it! If you don't follow this, your baby will never sleep well." Likewise, each friend and relative had a different method that they believed in.

Lost amid all these theories and philosophies, I began to feel much like Joseph Smith, when he was confused about so many religions and said, "In the midst of this war of words and tumult of opinions, I often said to myself: What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together? If any one of them be ^aright, which is it, and how shall I know it?" (Joseph Smith--History 1:10)

I felt so inadequate as a mother during this time, not only in regards to sleeping, but suddenly about feeding, napping, and parenting in general. I wanted us all to sleep better, but not at the expense of Caleb's well-being. Was he going to be psychologically damaged, or hungry, or in pain if I chose to let him cry? Was he ever going to sleep through the night again if I continued to respond to his wakings? Was this all going on because I didn't "put my baby on a schedule"? While each book had general theories and reasons for this behavior, none of them knew my baby and situation.

I was working on my talk and reading about Rebekah in the Old Testament, who was the mother to twins, Jacob and Esau. While she was pregnant with these two boys, she felt them quarreling within her. She may have been anxious about her children, as most mothers are. The scriptures tell us she inquired of the Lord about this and received an answer. "And the children struggled together within her; and she said, If it be so, why am I thus? And she went to enquire of the Lord" (Gen. 25: 22)

As I read this, I applied it to myself, and understood that each mother should inquire of the Lord about how to raise her children. Each child is unique and has different needs for love and discipline.

Elder M. Russell Ballard spoke about this in the April 2008 General Conference talk “Daughters of God." He said: "There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood....There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. "

After talking to my husband, I finally realized that discussing my concerns with the One Perfect Parent is the best way to address these issues. I began to believe that Heavenly Father gave me my baby because Caleb needed my mothering methods and not my friends’ or anyone else. If there is a parenting method that doesn’t seem right to me, then I don’t need to do it, even if a book (or doctor) tells me otherwise. I believe it is very important for mothers and fathers to counsel with the Lord as they raise their children and then trust in the answer they receive.

This experience and realization gave me so much more confidence as a new mother. I prayed about my concerns with more faith that I would really receive an answer. I brainstormed ideas that might work to improve our situation. I chose one idea that seemed like a good compromise; it was something I thought of, not one I read or heard about. After just a couple nights, Caleb's sleep habits began to improve. It took some time, but he eventually returned to sleeping through the night again.

I have come to believe, like Elder Ballard said, that there is no one perfect way to be a good mother. What works for one child in one family, may not work for another family (or even another child in the same family). It is, of course, important that we do our best to make sure our child is healthy and safe, loved and cared for, but how we do that is up to us with the guidance of Heavenly Father.